Just a girl

is for you to be as happy as you make me.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly rough day I go back and re-read this letter and whatever stress I’m feeling instantly feels a little lighter.


“So I’m sure by now, you already recognize this, what with random strangers hitting you up at stop lights and whatnot, but you are awesome.

You are the kind of girl men want to be with. Not because you’re hot, no that’s completely irrelevant, its because you’re cool (see what I did there?).

You see, any guy can notice a hot girl, but the cool girl is the one you stick around for because you just click on personal levels you didn’t think anyone else could understand. A cool person is a person that you want to talk to simply for the sake of hearing what they have to say. That’s you.

Someone who leaves you feeling bitter and, for lack of a better word, incomplete, because they’re not there anymore and you can’t stop thinking, “man when am i gonna kick it with them again?”. That’s you.

I could talk you’re ear off about all the awesome things about you, but I’m willing to bet that so many men, hell maybe even a few women, have told you what’s lovable about you that you have a handy-dandy list in the pocket of your mind. And that’s just one more thing about you I admire, knowing that you’re great enough that you don’t have to try to look or sound great. You are you. What’s more is that the more I analyze this infatuation I have/had for you, the more i realize I barely know you.

What’s strange is that I usually keep myself distant and keep from thinking too much about girls I can’t be with because it hurts too much to think about. But the truth is that I’ve gone to Disneyland many times, but I never felt “the magic” the way I felt it that day.

It was all so deliciously poetic and beautiful, the kind of thing I would I write a story about. A cryptic description of a horoscope predicting a “potential lover”

A full moon
The last day of Disneyland Christmas
The last day of the Matterhorn as we know it
The last day of the Christmas parade and my very first time seeing it
And a beautiful and amazing stranger who liked me…no…us so much that they would want to spend an entire day with us.

Its a pretty overused term these days, but I can honestly say in every possible context that YOU, Debi Blaylock, made my day that day. You made my day.

For a moment, I felt maybe I was falling again for the first time since highschool. But what really happened is I fell in love with that day. I was standing there during the fireworks show thinking, “All I need is to have a day like this with someone I can get really close to. Someone I can hold. Someone I can randomly kiss on the top of her head, just my little way of saying ‘I’m glad you’re here with me’.”

As much as I’d like to pretend, I’m not the swagged out, playboy, Barney Stintson type of guy, who can just hit on any women I want. Realistically, I’m the type of guy who fantasizes about the girl I want, but is so afraid of how things will end eventually that I won’t even approach her for fear of wasting her time and mine. I’m the kind of guy who ends up in the friendzone because while I can be charming, kind and easy to get along with no matter what we’re doing, I keep myself a passive distance so I won’t get hurt again. Yet I will go out of my way, just to be in her company for 10 minutes, just so I can KINDA feel that feeling. The feeling of being with someone who makes me feel so refreshed and so happy.

And in the end, I come to same conclusion: that come what may, I am grateful to have that person in my life as a friend than not at all. And on the other, darker hand, I find myself wishing, a least a little bit, that I never met them, that I might be spared the pain of not having them as I would wish.

With you its complex, because i can only fully analyze a situation once it is said and done and over with. I frequently imagine driving down to Arizona just to say, “hey waddup” and watch a couple of DVDs with you. And it wouldn’t be an inconvenience because I just failed a smog test and the guy told me I need to drive more and put more miles on my car anyway, so what better place to go?

Even now as I type, I’m not entirely sure what I expect to happen, because my philosophy is to expect nothing so that I am never disappointed with the results. I just feel that unlike most self-deluded men who drool and dream of Debi Blaylock, that I really have nothing to lose by just letting her know how I feel before I resign myself to the dreaded friendzone (Or Severus Snape World as I call it).

Nothing to loose by just saying flat out, “I like you”.

Ever see the movie Hitch? Just like that. I like you.

You rev my engine, you ring my bell, and that’s just from the first few measly hours of being in your company over the span of what is surely to be a beautiful and exciting relationship.

I’m not asking you out on a date yet, I’m directly stating, that for better or for worse, I want to get to know you more. I want to learn more about who you are, and more importantly, how and why you are the way you are. That’s the real talk. None of the same old, “Hey. How was your day. What classes are you taking. What’s your major? Whatcha thinking about?” crap. The real “Who the fuck are who and what is your life about?”

If this offsets you, if it creeps you out and starts that inevitable stagnation/avoidance process of interpersonal relationships, then again, I really have lost nothing. Just another sweet and awesome girl I may never be with. Like Anne Hatheway or Emma Stone. I can live with that.

Then again, as much as I can tell you’re not easily creeped out. Rather, you may be intrigued that someone actually wants to know you a little. Not just to dive into your pants, but to try their very best to understand you more.

So yeah, all that mass of text, leads to this simple statement: I’d like to get to know you more. :)”

I need to stop sabotaging my relationships with people because I’m scared. There’s already two people I can’t ever fix things with and I’m not going to let that happen again. This is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I want to be able to enjoy it while I have it. I want to be able to look back at this time in my life with fondness, not regret.

So starting today I’m putting my fears and insecurities aside and just focusing on being happy. I know it’s not going to be easy because I’m a crazy, over-analyzer but it’s something I need to do.

I wish I didn’t have such a hard time sleeping alone.

I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes, the way you taste.
You make it hard for breathing.

Make it all better when I’m feeling sad,
tell me that I’m special even when I know I’m not.
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad, barely getting mad
I’m so glad I found you, I love being around you.

If it’s you and me forever or just you and me right now that’d be alright.
We’re chasing stars to lose our shadows, Peter Pan and Wendy turned out fine, so won’t you fly with me?